Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Watching Crappy American TV Shows in Japan Is a Unique and Enjoyable Experience!

There's an episode of Walker Texas Ranger (which I only like in an ironic, campy way) on TV. It's so funny to be watching this in Japan. It's not even subtitled. I wonder if there's a Japanese audio track. Holy shit! THERE IS! Walker is now talking in perfect, native-speaker level Nihongo! How delightfully weird! In Nihongo, his name is "Wa-ka." Which sounds like "WAWKAA."

Anyway, I mention this because the reason I started watching it was there was a computer hacker battle on it earlier that was fascinating in its verisimilitude. The awesomely supreme Michael Ironside, bad guy from Total Recall, was bossing this nerd guy in some high tech evil hideout to control a plane and Waka and this really cute bespectacled nerd girl (what can I say? I have a weakness for cute, bespectacled nerd women, especially if they have deliberately bad haircuts like this girl's) were fighting them from another computer at the Texas Rangers headquarters.

How do hackers in Waka's universe wage online wars? They type a lot at their keyboards. They say something along the lines of "I've accessed the main database subroutine and now I'm going to route the DSL lite through the mainframe system" and then type really really really fast!

The dialogue ran along these lines:

EVIL NERD: We're getting interference from another source...
TOTAL RECALL GUY: Can you block it? Lock down the firewall.
EVIL NERD: I'll try. But she's good... she's very good...

Lots of keyboard typing. On some side monitor off camera, the Walker Texas Ranger key grip is reading the screen and it says "GKLDNGEKEWINGNEOIGVKJDFKJNBVOIEHE#IHGKJNBEV(HE#$*(#)TG)(#."

By the way, in Texas the police can beat you indiscriminately with kung fu and karate even if you haven't done anything. Then they can search you totally without probable cause- unless your having been the victim of a savage beating by the police constitutes probable cause in the state of Texas- and prosecute you for whatever they find. Even if they were there for other reasons.

Welcome to America, Mike Huckabee style!

Also, Mr. Chuck Norris, while you can certainly roundhouse kick, you and your well-groomed beard cannot sing. Your "Ranger" theme song is horrible. You, sir, are no Clint Eastwood circa Honkytonk. Bruce Lee kicked your ass and I'm glad. I hope he comes back from the dead and kicks it again. If the bogeyman checks in his closet for Chuck Norris, then Chuck Norris looks under his bed for Bruce Lee.

But Bruce Lee is EVERYWHERE, baby. EVERYWHERE.

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