The taste of depression: Black burgers

Black burgers

Just joking.  They're actually quite cheerful!  These Burger King black burgers are like the Hamlet of burgers, at least visually.  I don't know if they're prone to seeing ghosts or indecisive in pursuing revenge.  Or, if you like your cultural references more modern, they're the Darth Vader of burgers.  At least in the photo attached to the article they're somewhat Sith-like in that there are two of them.  Always two.  One master and one apprentice.

Burger King existed in Japan for a while then gave up because they couldn't compete with McDonald's all-pervasive presence and grip on the Japanese fast food consumer's appetite.  Makku has been slipping of late, but Burger King had already made a comeback.  I stop by the outlet in Shibuya on occasion to eat a Whopper, which I find a superior burger to the Big Mac or even Quarter Pounder.  But I haven't seen one of these black burgers.  This is their third go-around and I'll be giving them a miss again this time.

Why?  Well, there are no Burger King restaurants in this city.  And I'm not going to Tokyo anytime soon, probably not until the black burgers have retired to whatever mysterious realm of the senses from which they originally sprang.  A culinary dreamland, no doubt.  Nightmare to some, fantasy to others. 

I admit I'm curious about the taste, but I do have two other concerns that are preventing me from finding one or both of these burgers.  One is the cheese looks like a partially-melted plastic square, much like the monstrosity I once created with one of those electric molding toys popular in the 1960s-80s before people decided it was a bad idea to give kids molten rubber goo to play with.  The other is I'm afraid the squid ink will discolor my mouth and make me look like Uncle Fester's skinny Goth little brother.

It's a pretty big burger... I guess...

O.M.G. Burgers (a hamburger restaurant in Kanagawa) touts a monster sandwich they call the Akebono Sumo Burger on their webpage.  It weighs approximately 6 pounds and comes with about 2 and a half pounds of fries.  If you manage to finish it, you win the equivalent of 300 USD and a t-shirt that proclaims to the world you ate half a cow.

Oh, and the burger is on the house.

For the ex-pat-- and the native-born as well-- Japan offers a wide variety of hamburger dining experiences.  You can try the classic taste of McDonald's (yes, yes I did), Burger King and Wendy's (they exited the Japanese market in 2009, but this December they're jumping back into the food fight with renewed vigor), plus the home-grown delights of Freshness Burger and Mos Burger.  If you're a fan of the manga Nana (and why aren't you?), you can try a Jackson Burger at Hachi's favorite place, Jackson Hole.  Which is a bar.

But not the original bar as seen in the comic book and movie.  In 2008, Jackson Hole moved from near the southern entrance of Chofu Station to new digs on the northern side, as some intrepid explorers in real-world manga locations have discovered.  Philosophers and those versed in mereological essentialism will have to debate whether or not a Jackson Burger in the new location is the same as a Jackson Burger at the old and if it presents a Ship of Theseus paradox.  I just know Hachi loves a Jackson Burger no matter where she sits to eat it.

As for me, a trip to O.M.G. Burgers is on my itinerary for the coming year.  After all, who wouldn't want to challenge the sumo burger, especially if there's a chance some bikers will be there to cheer you on?